Medical Mystery

Well, there's something wrong with me. Something more than the usual brain injury crap I deal with on a daily basis. Something that is deeper within my head. Something that happened not long ago. I don't know what that is. Why? The doctor I've been seeing wants a test done and while I agree to the test, I don't agree to the contrast that she wants to use. I have valid reasons. It nearly killed me - twice.

I'm more than willing to have the test done without it or any other test possible. She won't budge. I feel as if my doctor has failed me.

Several weeks ago I woke up one morning and couldn't sit up. I couldn't stand nor walk. I was falling to the left and was unable to use my left leg or arm. It was scary. The children were at school, Dh was at work. I thought maybe it was an ear infection or something similar. Things like that can really affect one's balance.

It passed after about a day, though I was very dizzy for a few days afterward. Since then, though, things have been worse. My emotions are worse than they ever were. My head is never "as good as it can be". My vision is exceptionally worse. I have severe headaches more than I ever have had in my life. I have issues with balance, though not severe, they are there when they weren't prior. I have lost the ability to "make" my left leg walk properly numerous times since then. Never had that before.

My vision is the worst of the issues. I can only see about half. The outside part of my eye is nothing but blurry. It's as if there was water on glasses and you are trying to see through it. It's impossible to make out much at all. There are constantly little flashing lights in my vision in the left eye. I have noticed that with the right eye, there is the blurry vision on the outside of it, but it's very minor and only in a small spot compared to my left, which is the entire outside half of it.

My husband had to wake me up early this morning. I was crying off and on in my sleep. When I came to, I realized I wasn't having a bad dream, but was having sharp stabbing pains just above my left ear that went deep into my head. He gave me medicine and after about an hour, it turned into just a sore head, if that makes any sense. I was very exhausted and my head was sore, and if felt as if my left eye was swollen. Though on the outside, there was no signs of it being swollen.

I have no idea what's going on. I just know that it's killing my soul. I'm terrified of dying. I'm not ready to die. I don't know if it's that serious, though, because my current neurologist won't be bothered to run tests that won't kill me to find out what it is, if anything at all.

I'm terrified. I'm emotional. I can't see as well as I had been. What is this? Why, when we have good health insurance, can't I get a doctor to listen to me and run other tests to see what it is? Why do I feel as if I'm a bother to these medical professionals when it's my life on the line?

I can't think straight anymore. The vision, the pain, the entire ordeal has me a mess emotionally. Why won't any doctor help me? Why won't they find out what is going on? Why?

I believe I should get all my affairs in order, just in case. I've never had that feeling before, but I do now and can't shake it. I guess that's what I'll do today as long as I can see decently enough to do so.

This is America. I have Blue Cross Blue Shield medical insurance which we pay a huge insane amount to each pay to keep. Yet, I can't get the help I desperately need.