A New Year.

A New Year is upon us. Well, except for those that are like myself. Some of us are stuck in the year of our injury and never will fully move on.

Everyone is celebrating - talking of how this year went for them, what they will change and make better in the new year. I don't know what I did this year. I don't know how this year went for me. It's yet another year I will not recall. Another year that's lost in the deep space of my mind. Another year gone, literally.

People will complain about writing the wrong  year on their checks, 2011 will stick with them for a few weeks. As for me, I'm still writing 2007 on mine. It can be turning 2060 and it won't matter, my papers will always say 2007 unless I double check or someone corrects me. So while they have that minor inconveince for a few weeks, trying being stuck in one year for the rest of your life.

Time doesn't move on. It stays put.

I don't see what the big hoopla is over this holiday. I did before, but don't anymore. It's just a sad reminder that time is still moving. People are changing. Life is evolving. I'm here, stuck in 2007. I don't know what to say good bye to. I don't know what I want to change. I don't even know what happened a few days ago, let alone months ago. I'm clueless.

I have no resolutions, though I always felt they were useless. If you wanted to change, you'll do it any other day of the year when you are ready, not just because it's a new  year. To me, that's too much pressure and you are just setting yourself up for failure. Pick a day when you can be ready. When you are fully able to commit to want you desire to better in your life. Don't just do it because of the day it is. That doesn't make any sense to me.

It's like Valentine's Day. Why have just one day to show people you love them? Shouldn't you just automatically do that throughout the year? Wouldn't that be better to surprise them every once in a while with a gift, candy, flowers, jewelry, etc? Wouldn't that mean more to them? It does to me. I most certainly cannot be the only woman that feels that way.

A new year is upon us, friends. A new year. Another year I won't remember. A year that I will forget happened. A year that will disappear as I go through each day of it. What's the point? Why celebrate the sadness I feel? Why celebrate not remembering yet another year? It's pointless.

So to all of you I say to be careful tonight. Don't drink and drive - you and everyone else out there are too important. Somewhere, someone loves you, even if you may not think they do - they definitely do.

While you all ring in the new year, I'll feel my heart break a small bit as that ball drops to mark the end of one year and the start of another. To all the memories that are gone, to all the feelings and thoughts that are forever lost within my  broken mind. To a new year that holds nothing but the same.

Life without memories is not much of a life. I fear that someday, on my death bed, I'll only recall those days prior to 2007. Where is the greatness in that?

Happy New Year to you. I hope you are able to retain all the good memories from this year past. Keep in mind, some of us won't and it stings more than you will ever know.

Seizures

I had one last night. It wasn't like you see on the movies. It was only my one eye and one arm. It only lasted about a minute or two.

Afterwards, my head was extremely heavy, as if it gained 100 pounds. I could barely hold it up. My headache was gone. Completely gone. My head was very sore, though. Even sore to the touch, which was odd, but it was in the back near where my initial injury occurred.

I'm glad the headache is gone. I'm glad my fight to retain the here and now is over - for now at least.

Apparently I've been having them since my injury - just don't recall ever having one.

I'm scared. It's fine and normal part of this. But still, nonetheless, frightening.

I just needed to get that out there. I'm not sure if I should warn friends and such just in case I'm with them if it happens again. Hell, I might have already warned them, just don't remember. So either I don't say anything and take a risk they already know, or I say something and then if they know I'll look like a fool.

I hate this. Not certain if I've said it before, but I really hate my brain injury.

Lost Part 2

It's still the same day. I don't recall posting my last message on here. Figures.

My head is still screaming, though I've been relaxing in peace and quiet for hours. No meds are helping. I'm loosing control of myself fast. I'm questioning everything I say, see, do, hear.

Apparently I had set out frozen food early this morning for lunch. The kids just asked me why it was setting out. I forgot to make lunch. So I'm changed plans and now and making supper. Once I put it on the stove and had it all going, as it is as I type this, my kids then inform me that we are going shopping with hubby when he gets home from work and that includes eating out as a family. CRAP!

I'm not even dressed, got a shower earlier from what the kids told me. I'm in clean pajamas, my hair is a mess, and I'm starving. The kids made breakfast and were eating sandwiches for lunch (since I forgot), so they are okay. I'm in no condition physically or mentally to go anywhere this evening. The kids are excited though. I guess we haven't been out since a few weeks before Christmas, from what they tell me.

I hate to back out on them, so I'll attempt to go. I just wish my head would stop pounding. That I could think straight and know what's going on in the here and now. I need to be in the present reality, not in this nightmare of being pulled back in time. It's like I'm trapped in a vortex of time and my head is killing me from it.

Every part of me wants to eat the supper I'm making, then curl up in bed for the night. Yet, I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I promised this, apparently, and now need to stand up and do what I promised. Though everything within me is saying this is just what I need to break that last strip of sanity and I loose all grounding on the current moments.   I fear the crowds when I am this way. The slightest pressure - stress, trigger, etc - can cause me to loose all grasp of the here and now. That's never good when I'm out.

I won't recognize my children. I won't know my own vehicle. I could end up not certain as to where I'm at at that moment. I may think there's more money that there is, or less that there is. I could - damn it - go Christmas shopping for my list of stuff I needed in 2007. Yes, it has happened. Many times.

I need to talk to my husband when he gets in in two hours. That is if I have a shred of reality left within me at that time.

Lost.

I feel very lost today. I'm struggling to remember the year, month, date, day. I am having trouble recalling what I did just a couple of hours ago.

I've been out of medicine for a while now from what I'm told. We just cannot afford it. It definitely helped me, and not having it is definitely depressing - if I could recall what I was like with it.

It's heartbreaking. I know I have an injury. I know I'm struggling today. I have to hold what little is left together as best as I can. I can't totally loose it. I can't.

It is very hard to put into words what I'm feeling right now. My head is pounding more than ever. I'm trying to remember and that causes my head to just thump. I'm over thinking and paying the price. If I don't stop, it will just get worse. How can I stop though? I have to try to keep my grip with reality. I can't let it go. I have things to do. Places to go. I can't loose my grip, though my hands are sweaty and it's slowly slipping away.

Headaches.

I've had migraines. I've had them since I was a teen. I don't get them often, but when they do I felt as if I was waiting for my head to explode.

Since my injury, I've had headaches that make migraines look like a sweet little innocent thing. Nothing helps, nothing touches them. They are the absolute worst thing I've ever experienced.

Am I on anything? Nope. The doc I saw just wanted to see me when I had one, to give me a shot of something in my rear. It helped. It didn't make it go away, but it made me no longer care I had a head that I was more than willing to stick dynamite in my ears and lite the end and let 'er blow.

I was also warned about the severity of hitting my head again. One wrong bump and my life could be in shambles.

Two days ago, I was accidentally hit in the head. This is never a good thing. Never. I'm immediately confused on what happened. Slowly I loose the month, day, year, and so forth. It goes further than that but as I mentioned before I'm not ready to get into the really bad days.

I got a headache though. I've had the headache since. I still have it. It's pounding like mad. I want to scream. I want to kill something or someone. Anything to ease it.

My doctor has weird hours - I mean he went from 6 days a week to two days a week - one being from 3pm until 7pm, the other from 8am til 11am. HOW is anyone supposed to get in to see him at those times? You can't. It's impossible. So we are changing doctors. I haven't went to the new one for this. I'm scared. I know there will be questions. Questions I'm not able to nor want to answer. It's like an interrogation. I feel like I'll be arrested afterwards and charged with being a loon. Who knows, it could happen.

I know I've been taking anything and everything to try to just ease this monster in my skull. Nothing. I might as well be swallowing candy at this point.

I don't want to go to the ER. You wouldn't either if you'd go through the same fire line of questions, then be sent home with nothing (they won't give meds there anymore), and then get a nice $150 bill. Yeah, gotta love co-pays. So what's the point there?

So I sit and suffer. I can't play with my children. I can't even stand to hear them. The silence is making me crazy, the noise is enough to make me snap. I'm stuck between a rock and  a hard place. Maybe it's time to look further into finding a doctor that can help me. Give me meds for these headaches when they come on. Be there for me when I totally loose my mind. What are the chances of me finding that? Yeah, they don't exist. Plus, $50 specialist co-pay isn't enthralling either. Especially when all the specialists are 2+ hours away.

So I sit, I try to have just the right noise level of just the right things, I try to lay down often. I pray I won't die in my sleep from this.

Oh, how my head could put on it's on wacky rock concert right now.

Fading

Christmas is fading, quickly. I hate this part. I know it happened, I feel it within me. To ask me how it went, what people received, etc, is pointless at this stage of the game. I have no idea. I just do not know.

Imagine, sitting there, reliving Christmas that just happened in your head. The lights, decorations, the tree...all the presents wrapped under the tree. The stockings filled. The children waking up with sounds of delight. Can you picture it all? I can't. Now the opening, did you you take pictures? video? Who got what? You bought it, of course, so you know what they got. What did they think? Where they happy, excited? The joy coming from them made your negative bank account all worth it, didn't it? For me, I think it did. I don't know. I have no idea what we got them, though I bought it. I have no idea what they looked like, what they thought, anything. I don't know when we had dinner or what we had. Even though I made it all myself.

At this point, all I am aware of and remember is that Christmas happened. I assume it was a good one. I assume it was as Christmases past. But I don't know that for fact. I have no idea.

People will be asking you - so what did you get? Did you like it? What did you get the kids? How was your entire day? You, like most, will be able to answer every single question with details for weeks to come. I cannot answer those today, just days afterwards. I have no idea what I got or by whom. I assume whatever it was I did like it, but I just cannot honestly answer that. I have no idea. No memory of it at all.

It's fading. All that I know is that Christmas happened, but the details other than that sentence, are already long gone.

If only I could remember. What a gift that would be. Cherish your memories - you would miss them more than anything if they were to fade into blackness like mine. Don't take them for granted.

Great Article

http://www.tbiguide.com/getoverloaded.html

I get this way. Normally it is with lights. I can't stand blinking lights, too many lights, etc. It bothers me greatly. I definitely have too much overload at times. I have learned that I have to pull myself back from it. That's easier said than done at times, though.

New Hope?

So today I read an article on Yahoo. It seems as if they found a gene in mice that does something. It was this morning and now, this evening, 12 hours later, I have no idea of the details of said article.

What I do remember is that it's a major milestone. They were injecting the mice with whatever it is and it improved their memory.

They believe with this information, eventually, a "brain pill" can be on the market. One that will improve the memory of people and possible cure Alzheimer's. Another wards, it's my miracle drug - if it works - if they ever make it.

I can only pray they do go forward with this. That they do make a pill. I'll be more than willing to sign up for a trial. I need hope. I need help. I need someway for my brain to fix itself. They did say in the article that it would help those with Alzheimer's and brain injury. That's what they are aiming for. Well, I have the latter, and am at high risk for the first.

Can you imagine? Never seeing a loved one go through that horrible disease again. Seeing brain injury patients get their life back. Wow. I want modern medicine to do this. I want them to do it so bad that I can almost taste it. I want that pill!

Yeah, they said about the possible black market for such a pill. College students, high school students, etc. I can see that. The thing is, if people want a drug, they'll find a way to get it and misuse it. Look at any narcotic pain pill, Viagra, etc. The point of these drugs is to help the ones that truly need it and often they are unable to get it because of the abusers. There will always be abusers. Nothing will change that.

But I won't abuse it. It would give me my life back. I could remember holidays, birthdays, performances, trips, seeing my kids grow up, changes in my life would no longer be a shock (even though I have been told about it numerous times). I'd be able to learn math again, learn German. I'd be able to finish my college degree that I was so so close to finishing. I'd be able to WRITE again. I would be me.

I would be me.

How could that be a bad thing? I want to scream at these scientists to start now! Don't delay!  Help me. Help others like me. Give us a pill that will help. I just want to be me again. Is that so much to ask for?

I want to be me.

A Little Less Stress

I finally reached out for help. I have temporary relief from my worries on the board I'm on. I had a long tearful talk last night with my husband. I told him how everything is weighing on me more than ever right now. I cannot handle it. I don't know if he truly grasps what I am feeling and going through, but he wasn't mean or on edge with me.

We are supposed to finish our Christmas shopping tomorrow. I'm staring at blank paper. We barely started and I just am not sure what's missing. My brain isn't functioning at the level I desperately need it to be right now. I don't know how I will pull this off.

I just need to breathe. I need to take a step back, which is why I'm on here instead of looking at that piece of paper, and let my mind clear.

I'm glad I spoke out. I honestly didn't think I'd get help from the board, but I am and that means the world to me. I guess she realized just how stressed I am. That's not necessarily a good thing, I like to keep things like that behind the scenes, but at least I can breath a little more right now.

The Stress

I'm at a breaking point. I don't know what to do. Between Christmas, bills, money short, family issues, fighting with my husband, the house falling apart, running to appointments, practices, events, hubby working what feels like all the time (lots of 18 and 20 hour doubles), getting over this infection, lack of food in the house, our cell phone carrier screwing up our bill for the last three months, and it just goes on and on....

My brain can't handle this constant stress. I just want a nice family Christmas. The same one we have had for my entire life. Instead, I'm coming to hate this time of year and everyone around me.

I don't want to be with the family due to a minor issue, but to me it's a major issue and no one is listening, just dismissing.

I don't know if we will have the money to get the kids what they want. I don't know if we will be able to exchange gifts between my husband and I. We always have made it a point to do gifts for each other. It's one thing we do for us. To show our love for each other. Our appreciation. He's telling me this year that might not happen. It hurt emotionally to hear that.

I'm tired of there not being food in the house. I'm tired of running everywhere, nearly daily for everyone and getting no help in return.

I'm tired of being on the board of the one event because I'm in charge of one thing. I didn't want to and told them repeatedly I'd need help. The person that is supposed to be helping me, never gets back to me and says I can handle it. I can not handle it!  I tell the person in charge and she never gets back to me either. I can't do this. I just cannot.

I don't know how to tell all of these people to leave me alone. I want left alone. I want to stay home, clean my house, bake cookies while singing Christmas songs. I want to go shopping, buy for my children and husband and wrap them. I want my husband home on Christmas Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He will go into work at 5am and return at 1am on the 26th. For the first time in 14 years he won't be here. It's killing me and sent me over the edge when he told me.

He then said we could do it Christmas Eve. I'm in my mid 30's. I've never had Christmas any day but Christmas Day!  I don't want it on the Eve!!!

I hate change and he knows this. I cannot take this much more. I'm splitting in two and can't take it. I just can't handle all of this. It's too much. It's affecting everything I do and say. I can't speak clearly, can't think clearly, can't do anything correctly from start to finish right now.

This is one of those days where I question why I lived through my injury.

My Memories

Most people use their brains to record and relive their memories. There's no forgetting it at home, needing batteries or batteries charged, no SD cards or other forms of recording. It's just you and what you see, hear, experience.

This obviously no longer applies to me and to others that have had a TBI.

My memory comes in a few forms now. All electronic.

First is my cell phone. Droid X. It does everything. I have alarms set on it for waking up, or else I'll continue to sleep. I used to sleep 2-4 hours and be great. Now, 10-18 hours is more of a "norm" for me. It has the calender. I put in something, it also updates the hubby's calender on his phone, and sets off an alarm before whatever it is. So I'm always reminded of events, appointments, whatnot. I can look up names, numbers, addresses. I'm able to make my shopping lists on it and have it with me at all times - no more leaving it at home. If I forgot to order something, I pull up the internet and purchase it right then and there. All from my phone. I've had a cell phone for 13 years now. It's always been an emergency type of thing. Now, it's my life line. My memory, literally.

Next is my baby. A Cannon camera with several different lens. With this bad boy I'm able to capture all those precious moments. Yes, my Droid does have camera and camcorder, and it's with me all the time for those unexpected moments, but when it reminds me I'm going to a concert, competition, performance, I know to grab my Cannon. I have well over 300,000 photos I've taken since my injury. I've become very very good at taking photos. So much so that I've been asked to take photos of events and such. Every now and then, I'll browse through the photos I've taken. The memories. I'll see photos of people, places, events, games and wonder where I was. Logically, since I'm the only one that uses the camera, I know who took the photos - me. So I know I was there. Sometimes, I'll let someone else take a photo of me, though that's rare. :-)

The last is my camcorder. It fits in my hand, even in my pocket. It's tiny but has a nice long zoom. I use this for action videos at games, to hear the crowd, to hear the performance, etc. I do it to hear along with seeing my memories.

If it wasn't for these items, I'd never believe the places we've been, the things we've done. I'd always doubt it when someone tells me, as I still do. This throws it into my face that it was real. That I was there.

So next time ya see me with my cameras in tow and phone in hand, know that it's not so much as being obsessed but it's my memory. I don't question you why you carry your brain around, so don't question me why I always have my camera bag with me and my phone out. It's my memory.

Wow.

I've surprised myself today. While in a conversation with a friend, I spoke of two things that happened literally months ago. It totally caught myself off guard. I didn't have all the details, but knew the basics. I hid my expression from her to not have her question why I looked shocked and puzzled at the same time.

This is not the first time this has happened. I started a medicine nearly two years ago and it's definitely helped. I'm not perfect, far from it. I am though able to have moments like I did this morning, where something just hits my brain that happened a while ago. I never remember all the details or even most of it, but I do remember the basics. That is better than what it was for those years prior the medication, where I couldn't remember anything.

Without the medication, I loose my memories after 2-3 days. With it, I can hold onto most for about two weeks, after that it gets hazy and in some rare cases, I can pull something out from months ago. It astonishes me each and every time. Then I come home glowing with happiness, so full of pride and a renewed sense of hope.

I don't understand why, when clearly this medication helps me so much where others haven't, that I cannot get it easier. It will never make sense to me. The cost of everything is through the roof. We can hardly afford it. As of now, though, I took my last dose. I won't have the funds to get more for several months. Hopefully I won't revert much. I've come such a long way and the mere thought of loosing all I've gained has me scared, at least for today. Because tomorrow, I may not even know I am concerned. The day after, I may not even remember the medication.

Bright Spots In The Darkness

There are things with the new me that are not all bad. I'll be and have been writing about all the bad stuff and I will do that because it helps me to see where my head's at on any given day. Much like my journals, but much easier to scan.

So, what could be good about who I am now? A few things, actually.

My husband likes one part of the new me. We will get in an argument. I'll be so furious at him. I mean breathing fire, steam out of my ears, only the law is keeping me from killing him, mad. Within a day or two - I know that I'm mad at him, but not sure if it's a major thing or a small thing. I don't even know WHY I'm mad at him, just that I am. Within another day or two - I have no idea that I was mad at him at all. I have no memory of what he did or say that ticked me off so badly just days prior. So he gets off the hook. Each and every time. He laughs when I'm in the mid phase. I'll be begging him to tell me why I'm mad at him and he'll just laugh. I tend to vent about the anger in my journals, but I do not write down WHY. Go figure. So I'm left knowing that I was/am mad, but not a clue why or how mad I should be. A few days later, I have no idea I was even mad to begin with. He loves this. No more giving the silent treatment for weeks with him. I can't remember it that long.

When bad things happen in my life, I don't remember them. I don't remember anything, but that's another blog. The bad things are not stored. I don't recall them. I know there's been a time or two we nearly lost our home, but I don't recall this. I don't know why or how things got that bad or even turned around. All I know is things are okay now. I don't recall injuries and illnesses with myself or others. I have no memory of all the bad things. So when people say "I just wish I could forget this." I actually do forget it. That, I must admit, is a little tiny nice benefit of this. I don't live with bad things over my head and in my heart. They are in the past, where I don't even know they existed.

My personality changed. I'm a little more outspoken. Which is nice.

I also have broadened my music tastes tremendously. I listen to it all, except I hate the new hip/hop, rap stuff. Always have, always will. That must be really ingrained in me. :-)

I'd never read a book twice, a movie twice, or a show twice. I have favorite movies, but I'd have to go literally many many years to be able to watch it again and then it was iffy if I'd sit through it all, even though it is a personal favorite. Now, I can't remember what I read or watch! So I'll gladly sit and watch a movie over and over again as if it's the first time I'm seeing it - because in my mind it is the first time. Same with tv shows. My hubby loves watching movies and shows over and over again, if they are really good. I never did. I'd get in a fight with him over it before. Now, I sit down happily to watch it because I don't recall seeing it before. That, too, has made his life a little better. :-)

My mind, when not spitting mad, is calm. I can sit and stare like someone stoned out of their gourd for hours and not think a single thought. My mind has never been so clear as it has been since my injury. I'm able to shut off the constant thinking that most women and some men have 24/7.

I don't worry endless about things, because after a few days, I have no idea that I should be worrying about whatever it is. So less stress in my life.

When I'm having a really really bad day (haven't written about those yet, not sure when I'll be able to because it's a very difficult thing for me), I'm fun, happy, child-like. The simplest thing will make me giggle.

So, while there is a lot of dark within me now, there is a few bright spots shining in there.

Changes

I hate changes. Changes cause such an upheaval within me that I cannot focus. I don't understand, so to speak. I question where is my Daisy? Daisy was my chocolate American Cocker Spaniel I had for many years. She passed away 18 months ago apparently. Thankfully, from what my family told me, I finally found a new friend, Thor, he's a Norwegian Elkhound - I had one growing up and love the breed. He's my baby. He makes me smile through the tears when I realize that Daisy is gone. Imagine, never getting "used" to anything. Never understanding why things have changed, not even remembering them changing in the first place.

It's as if you go to sleep for a long time, in a coma, wake up and go "What the hell?" I live with that, constantly.

I know my husband has a newer truck. Noticed that today when he left for work. I didn't get a chance to ask him when we got it. I looked it up and apparently it was almost a year ago. Apparently after he and my daughter where hit by a woman and totaled his other car - which I don't even remember that one either! So I went back further and found he had one had that car for 4 months!  Imagine, not understanding things like that. Things that apparently you were a part of.

Now imagine it's your children. It's relationships you have with others. You have no idea why a certain person is no longer taking your calls. You don't understand where a person is at a family gathering - only to find out, of course after you say something insane, that the said person passed away months to years before hand!

You feel like you never got closure, even if you did. You just don't recall any of it. Those around you tell you, yes, you got closure, but it's only a story. You feel empty, as if no one told you. As if you weren't there for that person.

Then the mourning begins all over again. The tears flow, the heart cracks. And you hate yourself so very much for who you've become. You mourn as if it is the first time you are finding out, because in your mind, it IS the first time.

There is no acceptable, no moving on, etc. You can't. You mourn, then forget, then find out usually in an uncomfortable situation, then mourn again. This goes on for years. It never stops. It's an endless cycle.

The only "nice" part is the "forget" part. You bounce back faster than everyone else, because you don't recall that someone close to you is no longer in your life. You think they are living their life and are happy and doing well. You go along doing great, until you mention to someone about the person. Then it's up to that someone to inform you that that person is no longer in your life.

So I go, apparently, months believing my mom, father in law, brother in law, and many other relatives are still alive and well and in my life. Then it all hits the fan one day when I mention it to my husband or kids. The kids kind of go along with it and then tell my hubby when he gets home so he can break the news to me. Sometimes he blurts it right out, other times he breaks it gently as if it is the first time he's telling me.

I swear, I just saw my mom in August. She had a big family cookout. We were all there. We all loved each other and got along great. It was wonderful!  Apparently, that was August of 2007...before my injury. My family has nothing to do with me anymore now. My mom is dead. Yet, my brain won't hold nor accept that information for very long before it tosses it out and I think she's at home or out shopping and doing well.

Changes suck. I hate changes.

The Anger!

I have read a lot of articles, support groups, etc on TBI. They all mention anger, which is apparently common in the first months after the TBI.

I didn't comprehend it. I didn't understand why one would get angry. From mild to extreme. I must say, though, all these years later, and it's hit me. I have no idea why now and not before. Then again, it could have happened before but I never wrote it down and those around me don't recall it. Nah, those around me would recall the anger.

So why now? I was always a fairly calm person. I dealt with kids, noise, chaos as if it was nothing. I was born to deal with a madhouse. I had a knack for organizing the unorganized. I could deal with 30 kids, screaming and running around and get them corralled and settled down in minutes.

Now? Not so much. I'll be fine, going about my day when out of the blue I'm posed to maim anyone and anything. I'll be thinking within, what is wrong with me? Though, externally I cannot calm myself.

I found I initially blamed everyone else but  myself. Drivers going too slow, too fast, not using signals, not watching. People wouldn't clean up after themselves, were late, were messy, were not doing their part. It was always someone else's fault.

Until I realized, reading over my notes, it's not. the only thing in common is me. I'm the one that's over reacting. I'm the one that is out of control. I'm the one with boiling blood and no good reason for it.

Those little and big things that once didn't even phase me? They now cause my heart to race, blood to pump, blood pressure to skyrocket, fists to tighten. I don't get it. I still don't get it.

Let me state here, I have never hurt anyone. I've never raised a hand or even went to hurt anyone or anything. I just boil within. Maybe that's how I hid it so well before? I'm not certain. As I said, no one noticed and I didn't write it down.

I cannot stomach chaos. It is like an itch that I cannot reach. Yet, I'm willing to remove my arm to use it to reach the right spot.

How do I burn off this anger? How do I make it go away? I can't. It's there. It's a major part of me now. I am getting no support on how to deal with it. I just get blamed and yelled at for being mean. I need help. I don't know how to calm myself. If I was taught, I'd just forget! I need someone else to learn how to calm me and then be there for me and do whatever it is until I can breath again and am not spitting flames.

Why can't my husband see that? Why won't he learn something that works for me? I believe he may have totally given up on me. I don't know though, I only know the right now. Right now, it feels as if he's willing to blame me, but not do anything to help me. Isn't your spouse supposed to help you when you need it? To be there for you? I was there for him for many years, through many things. It seems, though, that when I need him to be serious, to do something for me that is of a serious nature, he is unable to.

That concerns me. I can't do it on my own. He also promised to help reteach me Math. That was 4 years ago.... He has not sat down with me once.

My heart is broken. My head is cracked. I need him. I need someone to be my pressure valve. Someone to help defuse me when necessary. Not incite me even moreso.

Am I Going Deaf?

One of the several issues I've had since my injury is with my ears. I tend to go deaf. It can be the left ear, the right ear, or sometimes even both ears. I can bring it on myself if I lay down on my stomach. While getting into the position on my stomach, my ears begin to loose hearing. If I remain there, it comes back after several minutes, but it's clearly muted.

Other times, there's nothing that brings it on. Not stress, illness, events, noises, head movements, etc. I don't get it. I'll be fine and all of the sudden I cannot hear out of one or both ears. It's frightening. I fear loosing my hearing completely and not being able to hear my children, music, my daughter playing her French Horn (or other instruments), the roar of the crowd when one of mine is in front of them for whatever reason (concerts, competitions, games, etc).

I've never went to an ear doctor for this. Why? Well, I don't want to hear the words "There's nothing we can do. You will loose your hearing completely." I don't want to hear that. Never. No way. No how. I know, selfish, petty reason not to go. What can I say?

It does scare me. I don't believe I've ever admitted that it scares me to anyone. My kids know it happens. My husband knows it happens. I don't believe I've ever told anyone else that I have a tendency to go deaf out of the blue. It normally lasts 1-5 minutes, and always has come back, at least so far. I just worry that one day it won't come back. Then what? I have to be the parent that has the interpreter at the concerts to sign all the words my children are singing? Not to hear the sound of my children playing their instruments?

I hate it. It's frightening. It sends my heart racing each and every time it happens. I feel out of control and scared. I've read other people's comments on it. They all have seen doctors and have been told it shouldn't get worse, but there's no treatment to make it go away. So I'm going to stick with that. When it happens, I hold my breath, feel my heart race in my chest, the blood immediately warms my always cold hands and feet, and I beg for it to come back. To just come back fast.

It's a petty, minor issue. Compared to my other issues due to my injury, this one is hardly important. To me, it is, though.

So if we are ever talking and I have to ask what you said, it's most likely I cannot hear you - literally. Not to mention, I've noticed I have a great deal of trouble hearing someone when there is background noise. I can no longer focus my hearing on what I want to. I used to be able to look right at you and pay full attention to a conversation on the other side of the room. I can barely do that anymore. I keep practicing, but it depresses me greatly. So I may also have no idea what you said, because there's just too much noise around me.

I just hope I don't go deaf. I don't know if I can take it.

An In Between Day

Today is shaping to be an okay day, with the hint of problems. I find this evening, I"m struggling to keep ahold of the here and now. My brain keeps wandering. It's like a dog on a leash, it's trying to break free and do it's own thing. Pulling and tugging at that leash is wearing me out. I have a small headache beginning, which is not good. Headaches usually cause me to cave and stop the fight, which results in me going right back to 2007. Nobody wants that. Especially me.

I'm forgetting a lot of things lately. My poor son came home from school today. They did the Santa's Workshop at school. I totally forgot. Thankfully the PTA gives each child $5 to spend, but I normally, well always, have given them more, especially with 4 siblings and two parents to shop for. Today, I forgot. My heart crashed when he came through the door and told me, with his bag of goodies. I tried not to cry. I think all the kids realized I was slipping away. He, then, said, "It's okay mom, I shopped really smart." Which just tore at my heart more.

The other issue with this is that I always volunteer at this. Always. I'm always the wrapper. If  I can't be there all week, I am there most of it. I found the form that I was to send in two weeks ago.

Moms are supposed to be on top of this stuff. Yes, they do forget at times. I'm not any mom, though. I put myself at a much higher standard. This is unacceptable. I told him to remind me and I'd take him to the store and let him go at it.

My heart is still crushed. I hate my brain. I hate this injury. I hate this. I hate that I let my kids down time and time again. These things I never forgot. I could have the most complex schedule and things in my head that I needed to do, buy, send in, get done and do it all without writing a single thing down. Now, I can't remember anything.

We went to the grocery store today. Myself, husband and youngest child. I had a list, but didn't realize I was going to go ahead and stock up on everything. My husband told me, yet I didn't recall and didn't readjust my list to reflect that.

While shopping, I was trying so hard to picture my cabinets, fridge, freezers. What was in each. What was missing. That's when the headache first began. I just didn't know. At one point, I couldn't picture my own kitchen that has been mine for 8 years. That's when I told my husband I was loosing it and having major trouble. That way, he's on alert. He can take over and help with what he remembers, making even minor decisions, and try to take the pressure off of my mind.

Then we got home. At that point, I realized I didn't take my son to get his dress clothes for his band concert Tuesday night. I was supposed to take him yesterday, Sunday. I didn't. So I'm in a panic here. I have to take him tonight and I can only hope the mall, which typically closes early, is already having their extended holiday hours.

Then that same son came home with his bag of gifts. :-(

I'm just being a horrible mom to him left and right today. He can't win with me. It tears at me. I was never like this. I was better. I was the one that left other moms asking, "How does she do it?!" Then I'd just smile and say, "I'm that good." and laugh. Not anymore.

In the mail today, we received Christmas Cards. Normally, most people would not find this to be a big issue. It was for me. You see, I always send mine out the last few days of November. Here we are, December 5th, and they weren't on any of my lists, mind or radar in any way shape or form. I had totally forgot about a tradition I have done my entire life.

So I"m in a rush now. I must go back out to the stores and mall. I must find his outfit. I found a few left over cards from a previous year's send outs. So I was able to write up a few. I may just send out one when I receive one. Who knows if I would remember to send to all I normally do or send too many to one. *sigh*

I have to hope that there's not many people out. That the traffic is mild. That I don't get confused. One more set off and I'll loose it. I can't do that. There's too much on the line. I have kids depending on me. A husband that needs me thinking as best as I can. Right now, I'm struggling. I cannot let my mind fall deeper into that black hole.

So, I'm off. I'm off and hoping that I can hold it together. I need to get this shopping done. I need to make it up to my son. I need to be who I was.

Hello.

Hello. I have a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). I wasn't in a car accident. It didn't happen with sports. I tripped and hit my head on a hard wood filing cabinet. I must have hit just the right spot, because it changed my life, forever. Who would have thought that cold winter morning on November 19th, would be the last moment of my first life and the beginning of my second. I know I didn't.

I've heard of head injuries. Who hasn't. You hear about people in vehicle accidents. Photos of them in the hospital, bandages and wires coming from everywhere. Machines beeping in the background. You hear about the sports world. Athletes having concussions and brain injuries. They wait a few weeks, shake it off and are back out there. Though, recently, they are finally shedding more light on brain injuries. Sid Crosby is the biggest example I can think of. The NFL and NHL are now looking at head injuries a little closer. People that follow those sports, myself included, are hearing more and more of personality changes, memory issues, balance issues, etc. Word is getting out, but if you weren't on the field or ice when your's occurred, and weren't wrapped like a mummy with machines in the background after an accident, people tend to dismiss you.

I, with the aid of my journals, could provide you with a list a mile long on people in my life who have dismissed me. Said I was insane, making it up, outright lying, not as bad as I make it out to be, etc. I'm pretty sure I've heard it all.

Let me start by saying this. I do not want this. I did not ask for this. I did not want my life to change. Do you honestly think I want to throw all my dreams out of the window? That's what I had to do. Do you really, honestly believe that I would not want to remember my children's achievements, holidays, birthdays, life moments?  If you know me at all, you know that's far from the truth.

Who wants to go their entire life thinking they are the same age, screaming out of fright when they don't see their children for a few days, only to wonder who these older kids are in front of you. They look like yours, but yours are  much younger. Then you realize, as people around you are gently trying to calm you down and explain you had a TBI, that these must be your children - and you missed a large part of their upbringing. Yes, you were there. You did it. You didn't miss anything, but in your mind, it's not there. In your mind, you were not there. There's not a single memory. Not a single feeling that "Yes, I vaguely remember that birthday." That doesn't exist.

I tell people I have a TBI. I've learned, apparently often, that people think I'm joking around. Such as when someone says their "mind is going" or "loosing it", etc. All due to forgetting a single appointment, lost their keys or phone, forgot why they walked in the room they are in, etc. Yes, those are annoying. Everyone has that. Heck, my kids have that with the shoes as the bus is coming down the road.

This goes a lot further. My mind is "gone". I already "lost" it. It's not there. I have good days and I have bad days. Bad days are the worst. I'll write about it all. I'll try to put it into words.

But I can tell you this much, I have a TBI. No one would ever let their dream, which was in my hand, slip away for nothing. I'd love to get it back. I just don't know how.