Walk Like A Man...

Well, I wish I could, that is. For some reason, my brain is really not working as one's brain normally should. Instead of just doing normal daily things that one has done for the majority of  their life, mine takes a "vacation" or forgets how to do these things.

Tonight, it decided it has no idea how to work my left leg. I can't stand on it, I can't walk without falling over. Yet, my right leg works perfectly fine. No issues at all with it. But I can't figure out how to work my left leg. It's difficult to really put this into words. It's the oddest sensation to have to contend with. I'm almost completely certain that it will return tomorrow, but there's always that small part of me that wonders - what if it doesn't? Not just with this new leg issue, but with my vision in my left eye, my hearing in my left ear. Most people don't have this issue.

Speaking of that....

Most people forget a grocery list, forget where they put the car keys, forget to set the timer for the food they are making. Those are all normal things that people have issues with here and there. It's not the same. When someone says to me that their forgetting where they put the keys is the same as me forgetting where the keys are, what they look like, and what vehicle they are for - it's not the same. Completely different. People with TBI have a much deeper issue than those without have. It's not the same and to say it is, just kills us a bit inside. It tells us that you don't fully understand us and it appears to be a slap in our face. That what we are contending with isn't anything major in our lives. It's trivial in your mind and that bothers us deeply.

When a normal person says that their mind isn't working today: it implies they are having issues multitasking, misplacing items, under a lot of stress.

When I say my mind isn't working today: I don't remember the year, I can't figure out how to do daily things (turn on the faucet, walk, start the oven, which is the salt and which is sugar,etc), what day it is, who I am, who my kids are, what I'm supposed to be doing that day (from appointments to practices to even if I showered or not), etc.

It's not the same. It's clearly different. When my mind isn't working it doesn't just affect myself, but everyone else around me. I'm unable to function enough to know if I even ate that day, let alone to try to make food for my family. If I go to the store with my husband, chances are high I'll leave him there if he steps away from me - even for a minute. These are not normal things that normal people go through. It's the life of someone with a brain injury. It's my life.

Right now, my left leg doesn't know what to do. Oh, it's not injured. It's my brain who is, for some reason, forgetting on how to communicate with my leg. It has no issues telling the right how to work, but the left it is clueless. Same with my left ear and my left eye. It's as if my brain can't figure out how to work the left side of my body at times.

As a matter of fact, I've realized something else while typing this. All the letters on the keyboard that I type with my left hand  - I have to go back and correct. It isn't working clearly. It's hitting wrong letters and I"m struggling to stay focused on what I'm doing here. It's so frustrating that I can feel the pain in my head slowly forming. I'm going to get a headache from just trying to type right now. My brain is working overtime to try to keep up with my thoughts and it's failing when it comes to my left hand and typing.

It's not fair. It's not the same. Am I going to loose the left side of myself at some point? No one can tell me. I'm scared. No, I'm terrified.