Loosing a friend is hard. Loosing someone that was more than a best friend, a sister, is heart retching.
Sadly, I'm the one that ended the friendship. I did not take it lightly. I did not make a quick, snap judgement. I cried. I sobbed. I still long for her in my life. I miss her. I miss who she used to be. No, she didn't suffer a brain injury, but she definitely went through some changes within that I just cannot be around anymore. I miss what we used to have. Who we used to be. A 15 year friendship is nothing to just blow off. This took weeks of pondering, going over everything that had happened in the last year or so. Going over notes, and messages, texts, and emails. Watching and seeing. Putting it all together and realizing with great profound sadness that I was past my limit of what I could accept in someone who was supposed to be so close to me.
I cannot tolerate lying. Friends, lovers, those close to one another should always have enough respect to tell each other the truth, no matter how painful it may be. The pain will hurt, but the pain of a lie lives forever. So much so that while I am unable to remember the details, I know when I hear or think of her name, I have a mix of anger and sadness that floods within me. There's no happy thoughts anymore like there used to be. I know something significant happened. It changed my soul. It changed deep within me. To the point that it even penetrated through the brain injury and the feelings remain.
It takes a lot for that to occur, but in this case, it has. No matter what happens, I can never forgive her. Our relationship could never be even close to what it once was. This hurt runs deep within.
Part of it were the numerous lies that were told, by her, to me. How could she do that? We always had a relationship built on trust. Why lie? Even little things that made no sense.
Then it was how she changed her own life. She did things that I just cannot accept. Yes, it's her life. I am aware of that. I, though, kept telling her how it would end up. I begged her to stop and look at the bigger picture. She wouldn't. Couldn't. Whatever. What I warned her about all came true. All of it. In both her relationship with her children and that with her husband. How could she hurt them so much? How could she now say that she did nothing wrong? She did. I saw it coming. I warned her. She looked the other way thinking it was all good. I tried to be there for her. I honestly did. I was willing to stick through this nightmare with her and help her try to clean it up.
Instead she began the lies. The "I can't talk to you I'm too busy" excuses. Even when I fell on the worst times of my life recently, she wasn't there. This person who said she'd always be there. Who had been there for me many times over the years. I remember when we'd drop everything to be there for one another. Now, I was nothing to her. Not even a text to say she was thinking of me. On the rare occasions when I heard from her, it was all about this nightmare that she caused herself. Riddle with lies in between.
I had told her she had had one more chance. I was at my limit, but I didn't want to just throw away such a long, strong relationship. She knew it. I made it clear.
She failed. She didn't bother to even try. She used lies and excuses again.
That's when I went off on her. I had been pushed passed the point of no return. I sat and thought about it. Went through the last year of our friendship and just realized that it wasn't a friendship at all. I don't know what one would even call it. That's when I made the difficult decision to end it. Those that know of the situation, I told them. They all told me the same, just drop her and move on. I couldn't just do that. I'm one that likes to know why. Why is it ending? Maybe someone can learn something. Bring closure to the relationship.
So I spent several days composing a message for her. Laying it all out on the line on why we were done. I poured my heart and soul into it. Maybe, just maybe, a part of me was hoping she'd finally wake up and see what she had done. That she'd start to change back to the woman I loved. Start healing herself and those around her. Maybe.
I should have known better.
The reply I got was how she was the victim in everything and how I was "taking sides". The thing is, there were no sides. This was about her and I, not the rest of her issues. This had nothing to do with her other self caused problems. Nothing. This was just her and I. Yet, she ranted and raved about how she is the victim, no one loves her, with a few more lies thrown in, and then the kicker - how I was taking "their" side. I am never on anyone's side. I side with what is right. In this case, there was NO sides. It was between her and I and the issues between us. She couldn't stop for a second to see that. It was all so very self centered. Nothing like the woman I grew to love and call a sister, though through no blood relation.
It's been nearly two months. I never replied back to the message. It was pointless and I could see that now. I thought, through time, she'll sit back and realize what she has been doing and she'll try to reach out. Nothing. It's silent. Does she even care? Does she even realize I'm missing from her life? Is she that self centered that she doesn't realize just how hard that decision was? How much I miss her? How much she has screwed up her own life? That it's not the world against her, it is her against herself. She is causing this damage. She is destroying lives and hearts.
I miss her. I will always miss what we had. I don't know if I'll ever find anyone in my life like her again. It was good for many of those years. Yes, we had fights, but nothing like this. I'll cherish the great memories we made. I just don't know if I have the mental or emotional strength to ever be close as we were to someone else again. I doubt it.
