I Love You Just The Way You Are

Let me back up a bit before explaining. My husband is a wonderful man. One who works hard, tries to provide me with all of my heart's desires. Who has stood by my side through so much and not once flinched. He's not a romantic man. Never was. His idea of a proposal was "So, ya wanna get hitched?" Yes, I'm serious. :-) At first, I wasn't aware that it was his official proposal. When I learned later that it was, I was stunned, but didn't say a word. Now, 15 years into our marriage, I look back and honestly would not have had it any other way. 

He has brought me flowers off and on through our marriage and before. But through time, I've learned a few things: 

1. Valentine's Day is silly. If you truly love someone, you should not need a special day to tell them. You should feel free to tell them off and on as time goes by. 

2. The prices of flowers seem to go above and beyond the inflation rate in February. That dozen roses was $15 in January, will be $15 in March, but right now? They are $50. All because of a so called holiday. 

3. I LOVE flowers. They make me smile. Make me feel comfortable. Smell wonderful and remind me of wonderful Spring, Summer, and Fall memories. Yet, when I try to grow them, I end up killing them. Have I mentioned that I have killed numerous cacti over the years? Yes, I'm a true black thumb. 

4. We got married February 8th. What was I thinking?!  Oh, yes. That I love that man and want to be his wife. I couldn't let another day pass without being his wife. I didn't take into consideration Valentine's Day or the cost of everything at that time. 

So I ask for candy for our anniversary. I ask for any gifts on our anniversary. I don't ask for anything on Valentine's Day. I never ask for flowers, but always secretly wish for them. 

This year, is a hard year. I'm struggling right now with this brain injury. I'm questioning my life, my existence, why I am here when I'm essentially useless. He's heard me. He's seen me. He's watched my daily struggles with this. I don't know why he's with me. I'd love to leave myself behind, if I could, but one cannot leave themselves. 

So I was very surprised this week. I had flowers delivered to me. This is even more rare than just getting them from the store, because delivery is a lot more expensive. I, then, was curious. I took them out and was stunned. I read the card. Read it again. Then again. And again. That's when it finally dawned on me. My husband loves me. He loves ME. He loved the old me. He loves the new me. He loves my silly mistakes (leaving him in WalMart and going home, forgetting to turn on the oven when supper is in it, etc), he loves every single thing about me. Even though I'm different and unable to accept myself, he has. He accepts me and loves me. 

How can someone love me? I need to find a way to love myself. I need to find a way to laugh at my mistakes. I need to find a way to love me. I'm not going to get better. I'm going to get worse. I'm going to grow old. I need to accept it. Somehow. Someway. 

I am lucky. I am loved. 

PS I had to have my son count them. I knew it was more than a dozen roses, but I couldn't count that high. I was too flustered and shocked to concentrate on counting. There's 24 roses. Two dozen. . I have a great husband.