Fun or Sanity

Well, I am a concert girl. I love concerts. I love the music, the people, the entire ordeal (except the driving and parking). I feel "at home" when I walk through the gates. I love it. I feel as if I own the venue and the world is mine. It makes me feel alive.

Concerts produce a bit of a situation for me now. The lights they can have cause headaches. The people can cause stress. Both lead to my brain going on a break in the middle of a time when I cannot afford for it to go on a break.

There are two, so far, that have been announced for this year. I want to go. I want to go bad. One I have never seen before and am a huge fan. The other I've seen once before, but they are my favorite band. I dearly wish to attend both.

The issue is no longer one of "do I have the money" and "who am I going with". It's more of "what will this be like?" "Will I be with people I can trust if I loose my sanity?" "Will someone else be able to drive if I loose my sanity?" "Is anything worth it if I won't remember it?" "Will I loose it just from the traffic getting there? If so, is it even worth it for something that I won't enjoy nor remember?" Concerts now open a whole new set of questions for me. Ones I cannot answer easily.

I'm debating if either are worth attending. the one is at my favorite venue, though it's an all day festival. Of course my band is the last to play.

I want the days back where they were fun. They were a thrill for me, a high. They made me feel utterly alive.

I just am not certain what is the best answer. I really just don't know anymore.

What am I to do?

Half Days

I'm not surviving on half days. I can go about 5-6 hours before I "loose it". My memory is nearly as bad. I faintly remember somethings, and those are only bits and pieces.

I read the posts on facebook people post. You know the ones I mean. The move on from your past, memories are to be remembered, etc, etc. They drive me up a wall. I fight to post on them "except me". I LIVE in the past. I can't move on. I can't recall memories. Those sayings really piss me off. Why aren't there any that talk about brain injury? I wonder if those that post those sayings ever sit back and think of people like me. Those that cannot move on, get passed it, stop living in the past, etc, etc. Obviously I don't cross their minds when they post them. Which, well, stings a little. Ya know?

I'm in a couple support groups through there too. There are none within three hours of me to actually go to one. Even in those I feel like an outsider looking in. They are nice and keep offering different alternatives, but then I have to explain to them that I have very little memory. Then they are all "oh, I'm so sorry" etc, etc. And they tend not to reply much after that. It irritates and stings me, but what can I do?

It seems as if, regardless of where I turn, people don't fully get me. Hell, I don't get me. I would have thought there'd be at least one person on this planet that would take the time to fully understand how I am now. Sadly, there isn't one. People forget that I forget. People don't realize different things really bother me and can cause too much stress, which in turn causes my mind to go on vacation.

I'm tired of living 5-6 hours at a time. Not much can be done in that short period of time. It bothers me. I'm pretty much useless.

Naptime.

So today I could barely hold my eyes open around 11am. I was dragging after doing some things around the house.

The past few days have been worse. I'm getting worse. I seem to be only good/okay an hour or so after I wake up. Today I finally opted to try the nap that I was thinking might help.

I slept for a while and when I awoke, I had to do the process of waking up all over again. Once that was complete, I was doing homework with the kids, made supper, cleaned my daughter's ears, talked to all my children about their day and am about to get ready to head over to practice for the evening with my son.

I feel like I do after I fully wake up in the mornings. I feel more alert, no headache. It should last until about bedtime this evening. I will attempt to try this again tomorrow.

The biggest draw back is I'm not getting as much done as I normally would. I'm behind. Maybe I can up things and go at a faster pace before I lay down? I'm not sure. I'm worried it's going to take too much out of my day. Sleep for an hour, wake up for an hour to two hours. That's nearly three hours of my day gone. Is that worth it? It might be with how bad and useless I become in the evenings. Let's see what happens as I attend practice, come home, finish up any "forgotten" homework, and get everyone into bed. If I don't "loose it", then maybe the three hour sacrifice is worth it.

I hate naps though. They drive me nuts. I feel they are useless.

Maybe, though, in my case, they are vital to a good life?

*sigh*

Squeezing.

Constant. Pressure. Squeezing. Throbbing. Aching. Tender. Painful. Blinding. Help.

My head doesn't want to let go of this headache completely. It backs off, only to come raging back again. I'm not certain what the deal is with this. Nothing I take is fully helping. Nothing I do is working.

My head is in a vice grip and it's not letting up. Someone is slowly tightening. With every twist and turn I want to scream out, but can't. I must keep it in. I must keep going.

I hate dealing with doctors. Most believe they are God and know your body better than you. The truly good doctors are hard to come across. I also have a wall up against all medical doctors. I've been burned by more than my fair share in my life. I fear going to them. I recall when I had Endometriosis. So many said I was too young, it was all in my head, I was just crazy, looking for drugs, etc. All of that, in the end, was proven to be furthest from the truth of it. I just wanted healed. That's all I ever had wanted.

Please don't make me go to the doctor.

WAKE UP!

I'm okay if an alarm wakes me up. Well, as long as it is low and then gradually gets louder. I, clearly, do best when I wake up on my own, gradually. Most people are like that, though.

When you are waken up violently, either by outside source or your own body, it's a shock. Fast heartbeat, blood racing, mind trying to focus in on the urgency. It's a shock to the system.

This morning I woke up in that form. Dh had shut off my alarm, probably to let me sleep in. He thought I still used to alarms. One for the HS kids, the other for the ELEM kids. Not so. A long time ago, I changed to just one. One that goes off just minutes before the HS kids are to leave. That gives me 45 minutes to awaken more for the ELEM kids, since they take much more of my attention and focus.

So he shut off the alarm. Then he went back to sleep, assuming the second alarm would wake him before me. Lovely.

I awoke just in time to get the ELEM kids up. It was the sudden, violent, heart racing, something is wrong wake-up. While these cause a small bit of physical and emotional distress of most people, it's much more than that for me.

My brain is jolted out of a sound sleep. I can't see nothing but blurred images, hear only muted sounds, and feel as if I'm in a pool, drowning. That's a great way to describe it. You can't see straight, can't hear completely, nothing makes sense. Then add in all the other normal reactions from a person that doesn't have a brain injury. You have me.

It takes me longer to focus. Longer to fully understand what is going on. I was panicked and not exactly sure why. We still had time. The biggest issue was it was off of the normal path for me. Either the alarm wakes me, or he lets me sleep until I gently wake up on my own. There were no sounds of children coming in and out getting ready. No lull of his deep voice as he was reminding the children of what they need to do and have with them for the day. It was silence. A silence that was not normal for my household in the mornings.

It took longer than usual for my hearing to completely focus. Which is normal. My vision is still spotty - blurs, nothing is 100% clear at the moment, though it's been three hours now since this happened. Physically I'm exhausted. I'm already worn out and haven't done anything but filled the dishwasher and hand washed two sink fulls (apparently I've been forgetting to do the dishes and no one bothered to mention this to me). I feel as if I'm been working my ass off all day long. Yet, it's not even lunch time yet. It's going to be one hell of a long day for me.

My head is already thumping. My brain didn't get aroused in the fashions that it's most accustomed to. It's going to be an off day for me.

Maybe I'll be able to convince myself to sleep before this evening. I have running tonight. Though, I rarely sleep during the day. Have always had an issue with sleeping during the day. Naps are not for adults. They are one of my huge pet peeves. I hate them. I can't stand others napping. The only exception is when one is ill. Then you need all the rest you can get in order to heal. Otherwise, stay awake. Maybe that's part of my problem. Maybe my brain doing it's own thing in the evenings could be avoided by having a daily nap? I wonder if that would help. A part of me believes it would. I don't know if I'd be able to convince myself of that though. Maybe I should talk it over with Dh and see if he can remind me somehow, every day, to at least try it and see what happens. Maybe. If I could only convince myself of that.

Today, though, was a painful jolt into reality. Out of the depths of tornado warnings and trying to run and hide The Rock so he would not perish. Yes, I have the weirdest dreams. That is not from the brain injury though. I've always have weird outlandish dreams, most are very very life like.

I hope I can make it with the little sanity that I have remaining through the rest of today. Dh is on night shift and I have to do this running. My child will be furious if I am not sane, nor if I end up having seizures and am unable to take her to practice this evening.

Off to try to be sane...

Interesting Article.

Nicotine May Help Combat Memory Loss

By Cory Hatch | 

Nicotine could help people with early memory loss maintain or improve their attention and memory, a new study suggests.

Study participants with mild memory problems who received nicotine performed better six months later at tasks such as reacting to a stimulus on a computer screen and memorizing a paragraph, according to the study.

The results are important because doctors have gotten better at diagnosing dementia while the condition is still in its early stages, said study co-author Dr. Paul Newhouse, a professor of psychiatry at Vanderbilt University Medical Center.

"The earlier you can intervene, the better," Newhouse said. "We want to treat people as early as we can and save as much brain function as we can."

The study is published today (Jan. 9) in the journal Neurology.

Signs of improvement

Researchers at Vanderbilt studied the effects of nicotine on 67 nonsmokers age 55 or older who had mild cognitive impairment, a precursor to diseases such as Alzheimer's disease. People with mild cognitive impairment have memory, language, thinking and judgment problems that are noticeable to themselves and their families, but are not serious enough to interfere with day-to-day life.

Researchers divided the study participants into two groups. One group of 34 participants received 15 milligrams of nicotine per day, via a nicotine patch, for six months. The remaining 33 participants received a placebo patch.

Participants who received nicotine showed a 46 percent improvement of long-term memory for their age, while the placebo group showed a 26 percent decline.
Mimics a brain chemical
Nicotine works to improve thinking skills because it mimics a normally occurring chemical in the brain, acetylcholine. "It has the same three-dimensional structure, so it fits the receptor," Newhouse said. "What nicotine does is it stimulates those receptors. They act like amplifiers to turn up normal nerve signals.
"The ability of you and I to pay attention is enhanced by stimulating nicotinic receptors," he continued.
People with Alzheimer's disease lose many of these nicotinic receptors, Newhouse said. "The disease attacks the very systems that memory and attention depend on," he said.  
While researchers have studied the effects of nicotine on learning and memory for many years, this study, funded by the National Institutes of Health, is the one of the first to look at early memory loss. "Nicotine is not a patentable substance, so there was not any corporate interest," Newhouse said.
Nevertheless, nicotine could be a good option for some people with mild memory loss because it has few side effects. Some people experience nausea when they take nicotine in high doses. But in the study, "It was generally very well-tolerated," Newhouse said. "There was a little bit of weight loss."

The study results are exciting, said Dr. Eden Evins, an associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School who was not involved with the study.

"This is the longest study [to date], and they're showing improvement," Evins said.
Some of study's data show that people with mild cognitive impairment who take nicotine didn't improve, but also didn't get worse, and that's still important, Evins said. "This begs the question of whether nicotine may be a viable treatment for mild cognitive impairment," she said.
Both Evins and Newhouse said future studies should look at the effects of nicotine in a larger group of people. The duration of the study is also a weakness. "A major limitation is that we tested people for six months," Newhouse said. "We need to see whether the benefits occur over a long period of time."
Future studies should not only look at test results, but also whether treatment with nicotine has practical implications, Evins said. "You want to see if this makes a difference in people's lives," she said.
There's also some concern that nicotine use could lead to drug abuse, Evins said. "For young people, there's a real question about whether nicotine is gateway drug," she said. "We need to know more."

The study authors noted a number of potential conflicts of interest. Dr. Newhouse receives research support from AstraZeneca, Eli Lilly and Company and Targacept, Inc., and has consulted for a number of pharmaceutical companies.  

Pass it on: Nicotine could help people with mild memory loss, but more research is needed to determine whether the treatment is truly effective.

http://news.yahoo.com/nicotine-may-help-combat-memory-loss-073257732.html

Better

Today is starting off better. Dh took me out for a little treat last night. It helped me tremendously. It was very sweet of him to do. It means more to him than he realizes.

My mind is focused more today, then again it's still early morning. So who knows how I'll be later on. Most of my kids are in school except one.Which is always a good thing. Hopefully the last can make it tomorrow.

I like moments like this. I am thinking clearly, I'm able to focus on the majority of things around me. I'm feeling good. I had some hearing loss this morning, but as usual it resolved itself pretty quickly. As usual, though, it scared me initially. All is well now and that's all that matters. I have no choice but to live in the moment. This moment. For moments past are already gone. Moments to come I have little to no control over and won't remember them once they pass.

At times I feel as if I am wasting away the days. I do normal, daily household chores, and other duties as a mother. I wish I was able to do something great, but alas, my mind would just forget it. So what is the point?

I can only do things that will last in my family and friend's memories. They are the ones that will benefit from any good I do. When it comes to me, all is just forgotten. Never to be thought of again. Just to see that I was there, I was involved in photos and videos. Such a shame.

I've always thought about what will happen when I die. They talk about people having flashbacks of their entire life. Will mine stop at 2007? Will I only have 31 years of flashbacks? Even if I'm 80? Will I leave this earth not recalling my children's graduations, accomplishments, marriages, children? Will I? No one knows. When the time comes, I guess only I will know. At least it won't break their hearts if that is all I recall, for I'll be gone and not able to tell them. So they can go on living, assuming that I did recall all the precious moments from 2007 on. They can believe that I went out with visions of children that are not born, spouses that are not in the family, trips, events, great moments. Maybe it is better that way? Honestly, who knows? I could surprise myself and see all those things in my last moments. I will be the only one to know and won't be able to let anyone know otherwise.

Now I'm depressing myself. Therefore, I believe it's time to stop writing this for now and get some of the daily  normalcy completely.

Hopefully today will stay a decent day.

Bad Mood Day.

I've had a hectic day. Sick kids, running to the school and back, etc. I'm worn out and it's exhausted me. I laid in bed for a while and cried. I don't know how to get myself out of this.

Right now my left eye is blurry. No idea why. It is making it very difficult to read/see right now. I had a seizure a bit ago, two actually. Just too much stress.

I don't think my eye is a result from the last seizure, then again it's been like this since it happened. So it may be. If I could see better I'd look it up and try to read. Just typing this is really stressing out my brain.

How can I live like this? How can anyone? There are people that live a life with a lot more wrong with them than what I have. I know that. I get that. I just guess I need a pity party right now. I wish I had the money for my medicine. I'm tired of these seizures and would love to see if the meds is what has been keeping it at bay for years prior.

I'm so tired. My head weighs a ton right now. I keep having to ask my children what day of the week it is. That's not good. I thought it was Wednesday and sent out the Wednesday email for a group I'm in - it's not Wednesday. *sigh*

I hope my husband holds me when he gets in tonight. I hope he doesn't blow me off. I hate when school is in session. I know the two don't have anything to do with one another. As I said, brain isn't working so well right now. At least I recognized that. Anyways, when the kids are in school, it's easier yet more difficult for me.

It's easier because I get many hours during the day of a huge break. I can do what I need to, when I am able to. I'm able to rest my head all day.

It's harder because I have hectic evenings and nights. It's a rush for homework, projects, after school activities, practices, games, lessons, have to buy something from the store the kids just remembered they need for tomorrow morning (the closest store is half hour away). Supper, baths and showers, etc. All this in just a few hours, each and every evening. I can't handle that stress. It drives me up a wall and down the other side and back up the next one. It's too much. Though, even when there's no place to run to - as tonight - the homework, 70% of my kids home sick, supper, my brain not functioning, two seizures, baths and showers - I can barely get it all done. I feel like there's no real time for anyone in the evenings. I hate it with a passion.

Yet, there's no choice in the matter. This is how it goes. The rest of the week will be a lot worse - we have practices, lessons and games every evening. I need help. I need a clone.

I need a break. I need people to understand my head better. I need a new brain.

Life.

I want mine back. Not this new life, but my old one. I want to go back to just before my injury. When a huge publishing company was in talks with me and a novel I was working on. They wanted it. I wanted to give it to them. They were asking for more chapters and the last one before making an offer. I was working on it when I had the injury.

If I were able to go back in time, remove the injury from the past, and keep going, within a week, I'd have had the rest of the chapters sent to the company and had been waiting anxiously for the offer from them. My dreams literally in the palm of my hand. I could taste them.

Instead, I had to tell them what happened. I had to let the know that I had no idea when I'd be able to get anything to them. I had no idea if I'd ever be able to finish anything or even write again. It was college all over again.

In college, I loved writing, it was my minor, not my major. I soaked up every writing class I could. I drank it in like some people do with air. It kept me going. Kept me alive. I wrote a paper for a class. I had become friends with the professor. She loved the piece I wrote and showed it to her husband, who was the Dean of the English Department. They both went and sent it in. She called me into her office about a month later. I had an offer. My first real offer, from a real BIG publisher. Oh. My. God.

I remember the feelings I had. I remember the joy mixed with anxiety. I remember thinking of throwing my major out of the window and living the life as a writer. Working hard, making characters and places come to life. Wow. What a life.

I read over the papers, with my Professor smiling at me, watching me earnestly as I read through each line.

At the end, where it had a place for my signature, I come to realize something. As bad as I wanted this. As much as I wanted this, I couldn't. I couldn't do this now.

You see, they wanted this 1,500 word paper turned into a 65-80,000 word novel - in 6 weeks. Six. Weeks.

I worked full time. I was a college student full time. Not to mention that I was a single mom full time. How. The. Hell.

There was no way. I could not sign my name on that line and promise this wonderful dream company something so important, in such a short time. I had a child dependent on me. I had a job that required my time. I had an extremely full course load. I also attended both summer sessions and took the maximum course load.

There was no room. No way I could commit. I feared trying and not making it, and letting down this massive publisher, my professor and the dean.

I told my professor my thoughts and reality. She was heartbroken. As was I. We tried to work out something to make it all work, including with the possibility of me quitting my job, but I needed money. I needed to not just support myself, but my child. There was no way. No way.

I cried and cried in her office. She cried with me.

Then she told me, "It's just not your time yet. Your time is coming, but this is just not meant to be that time." Was she right?

Years later, still writing for myself, I decided to give it a shot on my own. I was done having children. I was not working, no more college. My children were all in school. I had hours during the day. So I wrote.

I submitted.

To only one company.

To hear back from them that they were highly interested and wanted more stunned me. I spoke with them for a few days and we agreed on what they'd like, what I'd like and that I'd send in the few chapters to them within three weeks.

My dream was in my hands - for a second time.

Wow. What are the odds? Not good.

Then I fell. My brain changed. I changed. My writing ability crashed. I cannot retain where I left off. Story lines get lost in the dark halls of my  brain. I cannot piece together a novel in my head anymore. I've found doing it on paper is useless as well. I come back to it later, only to have no idea where I was headed.

I've realized I want that goal. I want that bad.

I want a third chance.

Will I ever get it? It's unlikely. But I can only hope that one day I will. Maybe I should force myself to try to construct novels again? Maybe short stories? I'm not sure. Either way, I know I want to write. I want to feel that power again. The power of the written word. I miss that power dearly.

I want to be who I was.

Another Day.

It's been yet another day here. Not bad, yet not good. I can be staring at something and not fully comprehend what is going on. *sigh* It's like my brain isn't fully accepting any information.

I stared at the dishwasher for a while today. Finally one of my children offered to start it. Obviously, I had no idea how at that moment. Something I've been doing for a while now, I was clueless.

Right now I'm trying to watch the Steelers game. I'm struggling. I'll watch the play and then wonder what just happened. Not because it was amazing or bad, but because I literally can't recall or rather, comprehend what was going on. It makes following along to any game quite frustrating and difficult.

I'm going to try to watch this game. It's questionable on how I'll do. At the end, it may just end up with  me looking at the score and thinking, "Did I miss it?" even though I watched it all.

*sigh*

Important Read.

http://www.brainline.org/content/2011/07/lost-found-what-brain-injury-survivors-want-you-to-know.html?utm_source=BLNewsletter&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Jan12Newsletter

Lost & Found: What Brain Injury Survivors Want You to KnowBarbara J. Webster, Lash & Associates

My stamina fluctuates, even though I may look good or “all better” on the outside. Cognition is a fragile function for a brain injury survivor. Some days are better than others. Pushing too hard usually leads to setbacks, sometimes to illness.I need a lot more rest than I used to. I’m not being lazy. I get physical fatigue as well as a “brain fatigue.” It is very difficult and tiring for my brain to think, process, and organize. Fatigue makes it even harder to think.

Brain injury rehabilitation takes a very long time; it is usually measured in years. It continues long after formal rehabilitation has ended. Please resist expecting me to be who I was, even though I look better.

I am not being difficult if I resist social situations.Crowds, confusion, and loud sounds quickly overload my brain, it doesn’t filter sounds as well as it used to. Limiting my exposure is a coping strategy, not a behavioral problem.

If there is more than one person talking, I may seem uninterested in the conversation.That is because I have trouble following all the different “lines” of discussion. It is exhausting to keep trying to piece it all together. I’m not dumb or rude; my brain is getting overloaded!

If we are talking and I tell you that I need to stop, I need to stop NOW! And it is not because I’m avoiding the subject, it’s just that I need time to process our discussion and “take a break” from all the thinking. Later I will be able to rejoin the conversation and really be present for the subject and for you.

Try to notice the circumstances if a behavior problem arises. “Behavior problems” are often an indication of my inability to cope with a specific situation and not a mental health issue. I may be frustrated, in pain, overtired or there may be too much confusion or noise for my brain to filter.

Patience is the best gift you can give me. It allows me to work deliberately and at my own pace, allowing me to rebuild pathways in my brain. Rushing and multi-tasking inhibit cognition.

Please listen to me with patience. Try not to interrupt. Allow me to find my words and follow my thoughts. It will help me rebuild my language skills.

Please have patience with my memory. Know that not remembering does not mean that I don’t care.

Please don’t be condescending or talk to me like I am a child. I’m not stupid, my brain is injured and it doesn’t work as well as it used to. Try to think of me as if my brain were in a cast.

If I seem “rigid,” needing to do tasks the same way all the time; it is because I am retraining my brain. It’s like learning main roads before you can learn the shortcuts. Repeating tasks in the same sequence is a rehabilitation strategy.

If I seem “stuck,” my brain may be stuck in the processing of information. Coaching me, suggesting other options or asking what you can do to help may help me figure it out. Taking over and doing it for me will not be constructive and it will make me feel inadequate. (It may also be an indication that I need to take a break.)

You may not be able to help me do something if helping requires me to frequently interrupt what I am doing to give you directives. I work best on my own, one step at a time and at my own pace.

If I repeat actions, like checking to see if the doors are locked or the stove is turned off, it may seem like I have OCD — obsessive-compulsive disorder — but I may not. It may be that I am having trouble registering what I am doing in my brain. Repetitions enhance memory. (It can also be a cue that I need to stop and rest.)

If I seem sensitive, it could be emotional lability as a result of the injury or it may be a reflection of the extraordinary effort it takes to do things now. Tasks that used to feel “automatic” and take minimal effort, now take much longer, require the implementation of numerous strategies and are huge accomplishments for me.

We need cheerleaders now, as we start over, just like children do when they are growing up. Please help me and encourage all efforts. Please don’t be negative or critical. I am doing the best I can.

Don’t confuse Hope for Denial. We are learning more and more about the amazing brain and there are remarkable stories about healing in the news every day. No one can know for certain what our potential is. We need Hope to be able to employ the many, many coping mechanisms, accommodations and strategies needed to navigate our new lives. Everything single thing in our lives is extraordinarily difficult for us now. It would be easy to give up without Hope.

Created with the assistance of the "Amazing" Brain Injury Survivor Support Group of Framingham, MA.

Excerpted from Lost & Found: A Survivor's Guide for Reconstructing Life After a Brain Injury by Barbara J. Webster. © 20ll by Lash & Associates Publishing/Training Inc. Used with permission. Click here for more information about the book.

Confused

Two days ago I was having a day from hell, again. Headaches, confusing, etc. Eventually I ended up having two seizures that day. Two. Afterwards, I felt better but yet again completely drained.

I'm scared of these seizures. I was so bad that morning that I crashed my husband's truck. That was before I had the seizures, though. I had no choice but to leave to pick up a sick child at the school, and thankfully the accident happened in my driveway. Though it's a pricey accident and minor at that. Love how minor accidents can end up being so expensive.

I've already forgotten most of that day. I don't remember the actual act of the accident. I know it happened. I know I did it. But I don't recall all the details and don't feel as if I was the one that really did it. I was told I did it yesterday, that's how I know it was me, that it did happen. I just have no memory of it.

I knew not to drive. I knew my head was not right and there was a major issue. I failed to listen to myself. I won't make that mistake again. How will I remember? I have it set on my phone as a daily reminder. Driving while my brain isn't functioning = thousands of damage to the vehicle I'm in = ask hubby. So while I won't recall it or what happened, when I see this I'll know something happened. If doubting it, I'll ask hubby. I'm certain he'll be glad to remind me forever on what happened - the day of my very first fender bender.

A Decent Day

Surprisingly, I'm doing better today. I have no headache. I have no pain in my neck. I have not had to struggle to keep my brain inline with the time period. I've left my mind rest some today. Doing laundry and general mindless things around the house. Watching movies and relaxing my head. It's been nice.

Things are going to get busy again this week. School starts back. Hockey starts back. Band starts back. Which all adds up to a tremendous amount of running. Hopefully I'll be okay and hold it together at least for a little while.

I love it when I get through a day with no struggles. Didn't forget how to turn on the sink, where I'm at, who I am talking to, etc. It's a small thing that most people take for granted. I don't. I cherish the good days. They make me smile and feel good, at least temporarily.

Today was a normal day. Most people have normal days, daily. They don't know what it's like to have one off day, or worse one bad day. There are some people I'd like for them just once to have one of my bad days. Then they'd have a better understanding of what I go through.

I'm never looking for sympathy. Ever. It's the last thing I want. No, I don't want it at all. It's not even on the list.

What I do what is people to understand what a brain injury, even a mild one, can do to a person. How there are changes within them that they do not control. They aren't lying. They aren't making it up. It's not in their head. It's definitely not for attention. They, like me, just want you to understand that things aren't as easy for us at they are for you. We may not remember who you are. We forget appointments, parties, etc. We don't care to be solely responsible for things that could affect others - such as the head on a board, etc. It's not that we don't want to do the work. We fear we will forget something important, which is a real risk.

I want understanding. I want people to cut me a break when I forget. I want doctors and dentists to actually call and remind me about appointments, not just assume I know and then be irritated when I forget. I don't understand why others can't just go a little bit, not a lot, out of their way to assist. So I don't look like an idiot. So that I'm not feeling like a looser. A failure.

I want people to remind me of things. I want friends to remind me about lunches and dates and such. I want my kids to just remind me of their project coming up. I want people just to give me a heads up on things.

I don't need reamed out when I forget something. I don't need reamed out when I can't count. I'm embarrassed. I don't want to ask for your help. So when I do, just smile and help me. Don't make a big deal out of it. I wouldn't be asking if I didn't truly need it.

I have found some friends seem to have backed off after realizing just the situation I am in. It's as if they are scared to ask me to have fun, to come over, to go out, etc. That is hurtful. I'm still me. Just different. I'm able to go out - just call, text, email, message me before hand and remind me.

Though today was a good day. A clear day. A relaxing day.

I like these days. It's a shame that not more days are like this.