The Stress

I'm at a breaking point. I don't know what to do. Between Christmas, bills, money short, family issues, fighting with my husband, the house falling apart, running to appointments, practices, events, hubby working what feels like all the time (lots of 18 and 20 hour doubles), getting over this infection, lack of food in the house, our cell phone carrier screwing up our bill for the last three months, and it just goes on and on....

My brain can't handle this constant stress. I just want a nice family Christmas. The same one we have had for my entire life. Instead, I'm coming to hate this time of year and everyone around me.

I don't want to be with the family due to a minor issue, but to me it's a major issue and no one is listening, just dismissing.

I don't know if we will have the money to get the kids what they want. I don't know if we will be able to exchange gifts between my husband and I. We always have made it a point to do gifts for each other. It's one thing we do for us. To show our love for each other. Our appreciation. He's telling me this year that might not happen. It hurt emotionally to hear that.

I'm tired of there not being food in the house. I'm tired of running everywhere, nearly daily for everyone and getting no help in return.

I'm tired of being on the board of the one event because I'm in charge of one thing. I didn't want to and told them repeatedly I'd need help. The person that is supposed to be helping me, never gets back to me and says I can handle it. I can not handle it!  I tell the person in charge and she never gets back to me either. I can't do this. I just cannot.

I don't know how to tell all of these people to leave me alone. I want left alone. I want to stay home, clean my house, bake cookies while singing Christmas songs. I want to go shopping, buy for my children and husband and wrap them. I want my husband home on Christmas Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He will go into work at 5am and return at 1am on the 26th. For the first time in 14 years he won't be here. It's killing me and sent me over the edge when he told me.

He then said we could do it Christmas Eve. I'm in my mid 30's. I've never had Christmas any day but Christmas Day!  I don't want it on the Eve!!!

I hate change and he knows this. I cannot take this much more. I'm splitting in two and can't take it. I just can't handle all of this. It's too much. It's affecting everything I do and say. I can't speak clearly, can't think clearly, can't do anything correctly from start to finish right now.

This is one of those days where I question why I lived through my injury.