Am I Going Deaf?

One of the several issues I've had since my injury is with my ears. I tend to go deaf. It can be the left ear, the right ear, or sometimes even both ears. I can bring it on myself if I lay down on my stomach. While getting into the position on my stomach, my ears begin to loose hearing. If I remain there, it comes back after several minutes, but it's clearly muted.

Other times, there's nothing that brings it on. Not stress, illness, events, noises, head movements, etc. I don't get it. I'll be fine and all of the sudden I cannot hear out of one or both ears. It's frightening. I fear loosing my hearing completely and not being able to hear my children, music, my daughter playing her French Horn (or other instruments), the roar of the crowd when one of mine is in front of them for whatever reason (concerts, competitions, games, etc).

I've never went to an ear doctor for this. Why? Well, I don't want to hear the words "There's nothing we can do. You will loose your hearing completely." I don't want to hear that. Never. No way. No how. I know, selfish, petty reason not to go. What can I say?

It does scare me. I don't believe I've ever admitted that it scares me to anyone. My kids know it happens. My husband knows it happens. I don't believe I've ever told anyone else that I have a tendency to go deaf out of the blue. It normally lasts 1-5 minutes, and always has come back, at least so far. I just worry that one day it won't come back. Then what? I have to be the parent that has the interpreter at the concerts to sign all the words my children are singing? Not to hear the sound of my children playing their instruments?

I hate it. It's frightening. It sends my heart racing each and every time it happens. I feel out of control and scared. I've read other people's comments on it. They all have seen doctors and have been told it shouldn't get worse, but there's no treatment to make it go away. So I'm going to stick with that. When it happens, I hold my breath, feel my heart race in my chest, the blood immediately warms my always cold hands and feet, and I beg for it to come back. To just come back fast.

It's a petty, minor issue. Compared to my other issues due to my injury, this one is hardly important. To me, it is, though.

So if we are ever talking and I have to ask what you said, it's most likely I cannot hear you - literally. Not to mention, I've noticed I have a great deal of trouble hearing someone when there is background noise. I can no longer focus my hearing on what I want to. I used to be able to look right at you and pay full attention to a conversation on the other side of the room. I can barely do that anymore. I keep practicing, but it depresses me greatly. So I may also have no idea what you said, because there's just too much noise around me.

I just hope I don't go deaf. I don't know if I can take it.