Changes

I hate changes. Changes cause such an upheaval within me that I cannot focus. I don't understand, so to speak. I question where is my Daisy? Daisy was my chocolate American Cocker Spaniel I had for many years. She passed away 18 months ago apparently. Thankfully, from what my family told me, I finally found a new friend, Thor, he's a Norwegian Elkhound - I had one growing up and love the breed. He's my baby. He makes me smile through the tears when I realize that Daisy is gone. Imagine, never getting "used" to anything. Never understanding why things have changed, not even remembering them changing in the first place.

It's as if you go to sleep for a long time, in a coma, wake up and go "What the hell?" I live with that, constantly.

I know my husband has a newer truck. Noticed that today when he left for work. I didn't get a chance to ask him when we got it. I looked it up and apparently it was almost a year ago. Apparently after he and my daughter where hit by a woman and totaled his other car - which I don't even remember that one either! So I went back further and found he had one had that car for 4 months!  Imagine, not understanding things like that. Things that apparently you were a part of.

Now imagine it's your children. It's relationships you have with others. You have no idea why a certain person is no longer taking your calls. You don't understand where a person is at a family gathering - only to find out, of course after you say something insane, that the said person passed away months to years before hand!

You feel like you never got closure, even if you did. You just don't recall any of it. Those around you tell you, yes, you got closure, but it's only a story. You feel empty, as if no one told you. As if you weren't there for that person.

Then the mourning begins all over again. The tears flow, the heart cracks. And you hate yourself so very much for who you've become. You mourn as if it is the first time you are finding out, because in your mind, it IS the first time.

There is no acceptable, no moving on, etc. You can't. You mourn, then forget, then find out usually in an uncomfortable situation, then mourn again. This goes on for years. It never stops. It's an endless cycle.

The only "nice" part is the "forget" part. You bounce back faster than everyone else, because you don't recall that someone close to you is no longer in your life. You think they are living their life and are happy and doing well. You go along doing great, until you mention to someone about the person. Then it's up to that someone to inform you that that person is no longer in your life.

So I go, apparently, months believing my mom, father in law, brother in law, and many other relatives are still alive and well and in my life. Then it all hits the fan one day when I mention it to my husband or kids. The kids kind of go along with it and then tell my hubby when he gets home so he can break the news to me. Sometimes he blurts it right out, other times he breaks it gently as if it is the first time he's telling me.

I swear, I just saw my mom in August. She had a big family cookout. We were all there. We all loved each other and got along great. It was wonderful!  Apparently, that was August of 2007...before my injury. My family has nothing to do with me anymore now. My mom is dead. Yet, my brain won't hold nor accept that information for very long before it tosses it out and I think she's at home or out shopping and doing well.

Changes suck. I hate changes.