Lost Part 2

It's still the same day. I don't recall posting my last message on here. Figures.

My head is still screaming, though I've been relaxing in peace and quiet for hours. No meds are helping. I'm loosing control of myself fast. I'm questioning everything I say, see, do, hear.

Apparently I had set out frozen food early this morning for lunch. The kids just asked me why it was setting out. I forgot to make lunch. So I'm changed plans and now and making supper. Once I put it on the stove and had it all going, as it is as I type this, my kids then inform me that we are going shopping with hubby when he gets home from work and that includes eating out as a family. CRAP!

I'm not even dressed, got a shower earlier from what the kids told me. I'm in clean pajamas, my hair is a mess, and I'm starving. The kids made breakfast and were eating sandwiches for lunch (since I forgot), so they are okay. I'm in no condition physically or mentally to go anywhere this evening. The kids are excited though. I guess we haven't been out since a few weeks before Christmas, from what they tell me.

I hate to back out on them, so I'll attempt to go. I just wish my head would stop pounding. That I could think straight and know what's going on in the here and now. I need to be in the present reality, not in this nightmare of being pulled back in time. It's like I'm trapped in a vortex of time and my head is killing me from it.

Every part of me wants to eat the supper I'm making, then curl up in bed for the night. Yet, I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I promised this, apparently, and now need to stand up and do what I promised. Though everything within me is saying this is just what I need to break that last strip of sanity and I loose all grounding on the current moments.   I fear the crowds when I am this way. The slightest pressure - stress, trigger, etc - can cause me to loose all grasp of the here and now. That's never good when I'm out.

I won't recognize my children. I won't know my own vehicle. I could end up not certain as to where I'm at at that moment. I may think there's more money that there is, or less that there is. I could - damn it - go Christmas shopping for my list of stuff I needed in 2007. Yes, it has happened. Many times.

I need to talk to my husband when he gets in in two hours. That is if I have a shred of reality left within me at that time.