WAKE UP!

I'm okay if an alarm wakes me up. Well, as long as it is low and then gradually gets louder. I, clearly, do best when I wake up on my own, gradually. Most people are like that, though.

When you are waken up violently, either by outside source or your own body, it's a shock. Fast heartbeat, blood racing, mind trying to focus in on the urgency. It's a shock to the system.

This morning I woke up in that form. Dh had shut off my alarm, probably to let me sleep in. He thought I still used to alarms. One for the HS kids, the other for the ELEM kids. Not so. A long time ago, I changed to just one. One that goes off just minutes before the HS kids are to leave. That gives me 45 minutes to awaken more for the ELEM kids, since they take much more of my attention and focus.

So he shut off the alarm. Then he went back to sleep, assuming the second alarm would wake him before me. Lovely.

I awoke just in time to get the ELEM kids up. It was the sudden, violent, heart racing, something is wrong wake-up. While these cause a small bit of physical and emotional distress of most people, it's much more than that for me.

My brain is jolted out of a sound sleep. I can't see nothing but blurred images, hear only muted sounds, and feel as if I'm in a pool, drowning. That's a great way to describe it. You can't see straight, can't hear completely, nothing makes sense. Then add in all the other normal reactions from a person that doesn't have a brain injury. You have me.

It takes me longer to focus. Longer to fully understand what is going on. I was panicked and not exactly sure why. We still had time. The biggest issue was it was off of the normal path for me. Either the alarm wakes me, or he lets me sleep until I gently wake up on my own. There were no sounds of children coming in and out getting ready. No lull of his deep voice as he was reminding the children of what they need to do and have with them for the day. It was silence. A silence that was not normal for my household in the mornings.

It took longer than usual for my hearing to completely focus. Which is normal. My vision is still spotty - blurs, nothing is 100% clear at the moment, though it's been three hours now since this happened. Physically I'm exhausted. I'm already worn out and haven't done anything but filled the dishwasher and hand washed two sink fulls (apparently I've been forgetting to do the dishes and no one bothered to mention this to me). I feel as if I'm been working my ass off all day long. Yet, it's not even lunch time yet. It's going to be one hell of a long day for me.

My head is already thumping. My brain didn't get aroused in the fashions that it's most accustomed to. It's going to be an off day for me.

Maybe I'll be able to convince myself to sleep before this evening. I have running tonight. Though, I rarely sleep during the day. Have always had an issue with sleeping during the day. Naps are not for adults. They are one of my huge pet peeves. I hate them. I can't stand others napping. The only exception is when one is ill. Then you need all the rest you can get in order to heal. Otherwise, stay awake. Maybe that's part of my problem. Maybe my brain doing it's own thing in the evenings could be avoided by having a daily nap? I wonder if that would help. A part of me believes it would. I don't know if I'd be able to convince myself of that though. Maybe I should talk it over with Dh and see if he can remind me somehow, every day, to at least try it and see what happens. Maybe. If I could only convince myself of that.

Today, though, was a painful jolt into reality. Out of the depths of tornado warnings and trying to run and hide The Rock so he would not perish. Yes, I have the weirdest dreams. That is not from the brain injury though. I've always have weird outlandish dreams, most are very very life like.

I hope I can make it with the little sanity that I have remaining through the rest of today. Dh is on night shift and I have to do this running. My child will be furious if I am not sane, nor if I end up having seizures and am unable to take her to practice this evening.

Off to try to be sane...