Better

Today is starting off better. Dh took me out for a little treat last night. It helped me tremendously. It was very sweet of him to do. It means more to him than he realizes.

My mind is focused more today, then again it's still early morning. So who knows how I'll be later on. Most of my kids are in school except one.Which is always a good thing. Hopefully the last can make it tomorrow.

I like moments like this. I am thinking clearly, I'm able to focus on the majority of things around me. I'm feeling good. I had some hearing loss this morning, but as usual it resolved itself pretty quickly. As usual, though, it scared me initially. All is well now and that's all that matters. I have no choice but to live in the moment. This moment. For moments past are already gone. Moments to come I have little to no control over and won't remember them once they pass.

At times I feel as if I am wasting away the days. I do normal, daily household chores, and other duties as a mother. I wish I was able to do something great, but alas, my mind would just forget it. So what is the point?

I can only do things that will last in my family and friend's memories. They are the ones that will benefit from any good I do. When it comes to me, all is just forgotten. Never to be thought of again. Just to see that I was there, I was involved in photos and videos. Such a shame.

I've always thought about what will happen when I die. They talk about people having flashbacks of their entire life. Will mine stop at 2007? Will I only have 31 years of flashbacks? Even if I'm 80? Will I leave this earth not recalling my children's graduations, accomplishments, marriages, children? Will I? No one knows. When the time comes, I guess only I will know. At least it won't break their hearts if that is all I recall, for I'll be gone and not able to tell them. So they can go on living, assuming that I did recall all the precious moments from 2007 on. They can believe that I went out with visions of children that are not born, spouses that are not in the family, trips, events, great moments. Maybe it is better that way? Honestly, who knows? I could surprise myself and see all those things in my last moments. I will be the only one to know and won't be able to let anyone know otherwise.

Now I'm depressing myself. Therefore, I believe it's time to stop writing this for now and get some of the daily  normalcy completely.

Hopefully today will stay a decent day.